Janet

I thought abortion was the best decision.

When I was 17 I got pregnant and at that time I thought the best decision I could make was to have an abortion. And I went with two friends to an abortion clinic at about three months pregnancy and I had an abortion.

 It was a horrible situation. When I got to the clinic, I was getting prepared for the abortion. They tried to give me the anesthesia but my veins kept collapsing. I asked the doctor if I could come back another day, because I was concerned and scared at that point. And he said, "No, because you won't come back." And with that comment the anesthesia took effect.When I woke up I knew... I felt the hollowness inside me ... that the life had been taken from me. I was close to 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school, it was the summer and that was just when it happened.

I am thirty now. I feel horrible about it. I live with it everyday. I killed my child. Its something that I struggle with everyday.Every time I look at my children. Every day I think about it. The effects of the abortion were immediate....even the impact it had on me. Even then...they put you out in the waiting room ... and they give you some juice and cookies. And I had xxx cookies at that time. Its hard for me to even eat an xxx cookie. That's what I think of... I think of the abortion. And that's 12 years ago.Out of six close friends we had eight abortions between us. Everyone of us had one or more abortions. It was like that. It was like a pact. You know..."I have been through it... you can go through it." It was all a lie. What I was thinking... and its ironic I just recently found a Diary of mine and I was writing in there, "I have to do this. I have to go on with my life. Its my life. Its my decision. I will get over it."But its not true. Its a pain that tears at you all of the time. And it effects all of your life. If I could stop the clock and go back to those people who wanted me to have the abortion, I would say to them, "Its the WRONG thing to do. Its effects on my life and on my child's life are irreparable. Its just not the right thing to do. I won't do it. I won't let you make the decision for me." You never know where they are coming from in their lives and why they are giving you the advice to have the abortion, but I would not do it again.Peer pressure...would you jump off a bridge if our friend asked you to!!! When we are judged by God for all that we do in our lives ... NO FRIEND...will be able to take our place in judgement before God. So when we decide to steal, lie or have an abortion, we must realize that we will be judged for what we did in our lives.God forgives us our sins. He died on the Cross for all our sins. We can repent. we can ask God for forgiveness. He is all merciful. But why destroy the life of a child in the process. And why be judged for something that you could have avoided and that is the reason I am giving this interview....to help other women avoid doing what I did.

After the abortion...the things that did take place in my life were not pleasant. The relationship with the father of the baby I aborted was destroyed. The abortion tore the relationship apart.I have found that to be the case in all the women I know. The abortion never brings the relationship with the boyfriend closer together. I also found that I started to sleep around at that point. My self esteem..my guilt ...was weighing so heavily on me. I was trying to hurt myself. I was punishing myself. And that permeated every aspect of my life. I started using drugs a lot. It was like I was saying, "Who cares! Whatever happens to me now...happens."...without me even realizing it. It has taken all these years to realise...to see that.Some women that I have come in contact with ... the depression is so severe that it will lead to suicide attempts..they will go out and get pregnant immediately again .. to get that feeling back. 

I work on a Pregnancy Hotline. I had one girl in particular I recently worked with called when she was four months pregnant. And then we never heard from her again... until a few months ago. She was calling to say that she had aborted the first baby and that she was pregnant again...and you cannot help but wonder what was really going on again ... in her life. It my hope that BEFORE one goes through all that... they think about what they are going to do.And every year when the date of the abortion comes around in my life ... I get a little weird...its about January when the baby would have been born. I think how old the child would have been. All of those things pass through my mind. Its in your soul now... its part of who you are or what you are. Now I have two girls...and I know its ridiculous, but I think it probably was my son that I aborted...and its hard to forgive yourself. You look at your own children and think they have a brother or sister in Heaven.I always think of my father. I didn't tell my parents right away. I relied on my friends advice. When I got myself pregnant again and I was not married 5 years later, I went to my parents and they BOTH wanted me to abort. They said, "Look at your life. You can't do this. What are you thinking!" My mother would not let me tell my grandparents that I was pregnant until I was six months pregnant hoping that I would still get an abortion.My father ended up towards the end of my pregnancy being a little involved...a little against his will. But when he saw the baby born, he ended up in the delivery room .. and all of a sudden everything changed. He had this little life in his hands and it was his and all of a sudden...well its changed him ever since. 

Both of my parents..they tell me "Watch out for her...take good care of her." They wanted me to kill her and now she is one of the most important things in their lives. And that's what I find on the Hotline... and with all the girls that we meet. There are all these strange family situations...these relationships that get involved in the pregnancy. Well, that comes to pass, but what you can't fix is the fact that the baby is dead. You can never bring the baby back. That is what you want to avoid ... that irreparable damage...that big mistake of killing the baby.One of the ways that one can think about that is that if they really can't see themselves keeping the baby, they could think about adoption. Its a way of letting the baby live and keeping God's Commandment. And you can always change your mind before giving up the baby. But at least the baby would be alive. But if you abort the baby and later on hear your parents in a conversation... and begin to think "Oh My God, they might have understood after all!" That is hard to have to live with and its because its God's Commandments that we are breaking. And we have to trust that God will be there for us ...... He would have helped us through the Holy Spirit and work through friends and relatives. I know of one girl who went to the clinic and was counseled on the sidewalk not to abort. She chose to give birth. And she gave the baby up for adoption. She gets photos of the baby whenever she wants from the adoptive parents. And she is about to be married. She is going on with her life without ever having to compromise and know that she did not break God's law.

Janet