“Please do not relegate my wife to a class of unwanted,” says Wicklow man ahead of Dáil vote

Legislating for assisted suicide and euthanasia would relegate those with dementia to a “class of unwanted,” a Wicklow man has said ahead of Dáil Eireann’s vote on a pro-euthanasia report to take place on Wednesday.

Raymond Keogh has penned a powerful and emotive open letter to each TD in the country ahead of the vote on the final report of the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Assisted Dying. While the vote will not change anything owing to the fact substantive legislation is required, it will indicate how TDs think, as pressure builds not only in Ireland but in the UK, to legislate for the controversial practice.

Raymond, whose wife of almost 50 years, Maria, has dementia, told Gript that despite repeated assurances from Irish politicians that legislating for assisted dying does not “force” anyone to avail of it, doing so would create a societal expectation.

Raymond Keogh met his wife while working for the UN in El Salvador Central America in the 1970s. They were married in 1976.

“I left Ireland, initially, as a volunteer in forestry. I thought to myself, I can’t afford a car here so I’ll get a motorbike. I went to the Suzuki dealer and the salesperson wasn’t there, so the lady from the financial department had to come attend the customers – she happened to be Maria.

“We got talking and I asked her if she spoke English, because everyone in El Salvador, particularly the young, were keen to speak English. She said “No,” and I asked her if she was trying to learn. I told her that, really, she’d want to know somebody who spoke English and that’s the best way to learn. So I asked her if she would like to go out with me. The rest is history.”

“We married in 1976, almost 50 years ago – about a year after we met. I was 29. Maria was 26.”

After three years in El Salvador, the couple spent two years in Costa Rica with the UN. Raymond says he vividly remembers being in Costa Rica where he asked himself, "How would I act if she got sick?" We were in the best of health at the time, but I thought to myself, how would I really stand up to my vows if tested? I concluded, If she had the flu, I could take care of her and bring her tea and some food in bed. Of course, I never knew what was coming.”

It was around 2006 that the early signs of dementia started to become noticeable in his wife.

“Maria went in for an operation in around 2006, and it was around that time that I started to notice the that there were signs of she had dementia. We met the Godfather of one of our children at a forestry event, and she said to him, “I know you from somewhere.” I was stunned. I thought to myself, “My goodness, where did that come from?”

“I was worried about her memory, and from there, the deterioration started. and I could see things getting worsefrom then on around that time period.”

Raymond says that despite the hardship that comes with his wife’s illness, he has fallen in love with his wife all over again. “I see her as the girl I met and married almost 50 years ago in El Salvador. I ignore the problem and break into her world with as much fun, humour, and excitement as I can muster. And she responds positively.”

“Her response includes eye contact, a glorious smile. Sometimes she reaches out to me with her hands, taking mine in hers. She responds to humour. Despite her condition, we have grown closer. I would even say we have fallen in love anew.”

“I feel so strongly about anything that would act against Maria. It’s not only about the actual killing of the person but it’s about the demeaning of the value of the person. Once this law is passed, if it is, many people we love will be demeaned. The question of why we would preserve life, and keep people going, becomes more prominent. Suddenly, my wife would be relegated to a the person who is burdensome. Yes, dementia is burdensome. But do I accept it or not? 100 percent I do, end of story.”

  

“I am fully committed to her care, and that means I can concentrate without having the feeling of it being a chore or a duty. Yes, you have to have a lot of energy. You have to be at your best to care for a loved one with dementia.

"But doing that has produced astounding results. As I say, with my love and my care, my wife is reachable, and although she can’t verbalise anything, it’s incredible the connection we can have. She demonstrates affection, and I know we are communicating. It’s 100 per cent communication.”

Raymond says the final report’s reference to “restricted circumstances" is “concerning.”

"It makes me stop in my tracks and think, ‘What does that mean?’ Does it mean physical pain, or something else? You could widen the focus and say so many of us are suffering. Look at my own life. Many things have been taken away. I’ve had to endure financial problems because of the Fair Deal which comes and examines everything I own have, and says, “Ok, let’s take 40 per cent of your pension and over 3% of other assets annually.”

“Many of us could make the case and say, ‘Does this not qualify as suffering?’ Looking at the wording of that document, I could make a really strong argument case that I too am suffering and plea to be rid of my burden. I know this is taking the point to a selfish extreme; but such a case will, eventually, be made. I don’t happen to have that view. I made a vow when I got married that I would look after my wife, Maria, in sickness and in health. But suggesting that the legislation will be confined to ‘restricted circumstances’ is completely unrealistic.”

He also raises concerns about how people with dementia can consent to an assisted dying death. It follows a conference, held in Dublin recently, which focused heavily on dementia as a “part of the end of life conversation.” It featured two Canadian activists who spoke about “Glimpses into dementia and assisted dying”. It was the first ever conference on assisted suicide to take place in Ireland.

Raymond, who shares four grown-up children with Maria, is not convinced by the arguments, put forward by some politicians, that introducing assisted dying laws will not place a pressure on certain people across society.

“People will not have the same status that they do currently if this legislation would pass. Immediately, the question of euthanasia would start hovering over people like my wife, who will increasingly be perceived as a burden on society. This law would put this question against people including my wife, and families like ours fear there will be more pressure placed on them."

In his letter, Raymond urged politicians, including the Taoiseach:

“The concept of euthanasia fills me with horror. Maybe you say that it is necessary for some and it will be strictly controlled. What is sometimes called the Easement Rule shows otherwise. The Rule affirms that underlying moral standards are always interpreted in progressively less rigorous ways over time. She will eventually be regarded as a social burden to be discarded.”

“There is no compassion in this,” the father of four said, adding: “As someone who is enduring a very difficult situation, I make the plea. Please do not relegate Maria to the class of unwanted by your vote in Dail Eireann.”

   

    

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Maria Maynes

   

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This article was first published on Gript and is published here with permission

   

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